In Good Times and in Bad

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Picture this scenario: Your significant other has just finished a major project. It could be something accomplished at work, around the house or during downtime. The bottom line is, your partner is very pleased with the outcome. After putting in quite a bit of effort, it’s paid off. When he/she shares the good news with you, you do which of the following:

a) Hug and kiss your partner while discussing how happy he/she is and proud you are for half an hour. b) Call out, "That’s great, Honey," as you plop down on the couch to watch the big game. c) Point out the things your partner has neglected because of the project that now need to get done. d) Immediately launch into a tirade about your own big work project until your partner walks away upset. Now, if you are being honest, you’ll admit that your response will vary. We understand. You are human, after all. Your reaction may vary depending on the mood you’re in or the context of the conversation or how your relationship is doing that given minute of that given day. There always seem to be mitigating circumstances. But stop to consider if the situation was reversed and you were the one brimming with good news to share. What would you want your significant other to do? You’d invariably want response "a", right? Again, you’re human. Naturally, you’d want the partner who, despite the lousy day he/she was having or how tired he/she was, reacted enthusiastically when you shared your triumph. In the moment, you wouldn’t stop to consider the mitigating circumstances. You’d be hurt by her disinterest. So making the effort to put aside one’s own issues to share in a spouse’s accomplishment is vital. In fact, more and more experts are finding that this "good news reaction" by our partners could be one simple key to unlocking a marriage that stays strong, vibrant and healthy.

What the Research Says
Does recalling your partner’s reaction to your positive news affect how satisfied you are in the relationship? That was a question posed in a recent eHarmony Labs online study. The results matched previous research findings, which showed that how spouses respond to each others’ good news is directly correlated with how satisfied each is with the marriage. That probably isn’t too surprising. After all, most people feel happier when others celebrate their good news. It’s just human nature to want to feel supported and respected and understood. Even small changes in a partner’s behavior can affect the way you feel about your relationship. Take a close look at the chart below. 

So what does it all mean? Even just the memory of partners’ enthusiastic responses makes people feel better about their relationships. That’s pretty powerful. Just imagine what it would be like if you responded to your partner with genuine interest and enthusiasm each and every time he/she told you about a good event (and he/sheesponded to you in the same way). Imagine how much rapport and good will this would generate between the two of youImagine how these positive feelings and associations would accumulate over time, how you would be able to recall these positive moments to sustain you through difficult times in your marriage. Experts agree that being supportive in the moment can reap huge rewards in the dynamic between couples over the long term.

Caring When Your Partner Shares Has your significant other ever accused you of not listening? Ever been slapped with the three little words "You don’t care!" that threaten to kick off WWIII? Most of us would plead guilty. So how can you prove to your partner that you are enthusiastic and supportive in the moment? Remember, it’s not about big, sweeping gestures. Small changes can make all the difference. Keep these three little tips in mind and watch the dynamic in your relationship change almost instantly:

Be empathetic. Empathy can be defined as listening with your heart as well as your head. It means you are trying to truly understand what the other person is thinking, feeling and experiencing. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and see the positive event from that perspective. We assure you this is one of the greatest gifts one pon can give another. Every time you make the effort to empathize, you better understand your spouse’s meaning and strengthen your connection.

Provide feedback. Communication is a twoay street. One person talks, the other listens. The response or feedback your partner receives indicates whether the message was (or was not) received and was (or was not) understood. "Go on, I am listening." Or "I don’t understand what happened. Please repeat what you said." Providing this kind of simple statement and showing attentiveness with your eyes and body language convey that your partner is being understood — that you are genuinely interested in hearing the message being handed to you.

Be generous with supportive statements. We all like to feel good about ourselves. Period. When we give recognition to our significant others and we genuinely compliment their accomplishments, we reassure them of how important they are to us. We not only make them feel even better, we build a strong foundation of safety and rapport for future interactions. In fact, when we feel supported and are supportive, many of the other keys to good communication fall more naturally into place. Too often in relationships we focus on how we care for each other (or fail to) during tough moments. But it is equally important to put great effort into how ysupport each other during the high points. Think of it as making little deposits in an account that will pay big dividends over time.

6 Things You Can Do to Better All of Your Relationships

We have one job in this life and that is to be authentic in who we are. It is easy to get pulled away from our commitment to ourselves in the world of relationships as we experience the demands of other people’s thoughts and expectations of who they would like us to be. The greatest gift you give to yourself is to just be you.

6 Steps to Being Authentically You:

1. Know Who You Are: When we know who we are we can say no when we need to say no and yes when we need to say yes. We know what we like or dislike and are not insecure about it or other people’s judgments of us. We are able to coast along in life with a sense of well-being because we are solid internally. When we love ourselves we will not change who we are to gain love and approval.

2. Avoid Faking It: Being too nice makes us inauthentic. We do this because we do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings. So, we pretend to like people, events and circumstances we don’t like. A certain amount of this is socially acceptable and necessary. When it is a habit and there is an oppressive worry of what others think about us – this is unhealthy. We must be true to the truth of our experience and put that out into the world.

3. No Need to Audition: When we pretend to be someone we are not, we set ourselves up to be in an “audition” mode. We are always trying to be what we think others want us to be. We can sacrifice everything to give people what we think they want, when in reality, we have zero control over what people think. When we scale back and simply focus on the genuineness of who we are, there is no need to audition.

4. Observe: When going into a new situation, begin to assess it from “Is this going to be good for me?” and “Is this going to add to my life and make me feel good” rather than approaching it from “What do I need to change or do to be good enough for the situation?”

5. Be True to Yourself: It is one thing to know who you are but another thing to truly act upon it. Do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy and don’t waste one more minute of your time not feeling good enough for other people. When you can be in this place, you will be taken more seriously by others as well. When we are true to ourselves, others can sense it and life is much more enjoyable.

6. We Cannot Control What Others Think: What other people think of us actually has very little to do with us. What they think of us has to do with their own prejudices, fears, insecurities and projections. When we see it from this place it becomes clear that it is a waste of time to be going around pretending to have feelings we do not have in an effort to avoid abandonment and gain approval.

All you have to do in this life to make it happy and significant is to just be you. Be who you are. When you are out pretending, you are not being authentic. If you are not being authentic, people do not really know who they are dealing with and how to treat you according to what your true needs are. Take a moment and relax. There is no one to impress, nothing needs to be done. Your being worthy has nothing to do with other people.

Little life Message: We are most loved when we are being 100% ourselves.

Dr. Sherrie Campbell is the author of Loving Yourself and is a licensed Psychologist with more than nineteen years of clinical training and experience. She provides practical tools to help people overcome obstacles to self-love and truly achieve an empowered life. Click here to get her free article on Five Ways to Make Love the Common Ground in Your Communication. She is a featured expert on a variety of national websites and has a successful practice in Southern California. Receive free insights from Sherrie and to be involved in her Facebook community of others looking to improve their relationships.