Don’t let your relationship fail. Learn about 5 relationship
killers and begin to heal the underlying fears that cause these relationship
killers.
CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of
rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior.
Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert
control.
Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming
anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.
Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal,
defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of
attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have
control over not being attacked.
Controlling behavior always results in resentment and
emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to
avoid.
RESISTANCE
Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being
engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience
their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance –
withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.
When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant –
which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled - the
relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel
frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.
NEEDINESS
Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their
partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them
feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take
responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own
self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the
love they need.
SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS
Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and
process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain
of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending,
gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV,
accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill
emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And
they are all ways of shutting out your partner.
EYES ON PARTNER'S PLATE
Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing
that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are
doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or
withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be
very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own
compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but
very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner
instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner
changed, everything would be okay.
RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS
All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of
failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of
these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.
The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how
to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move
beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to
fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing
to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on
yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself
and your relationship.
A good place to start is to download our free
Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The
daily practice of these steps will move you out of your addictive and
controlling behavior and into the personal responsibility necessary to heal
your relationship
