In Good Times and in Bad

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Picture this scenario: Your significant other has just finished a major project. It could be something accomplished at work, around the house or during downtime. The bottom line is, your partner is very pleased with the outcome. After putting in quite a bit of effort, it’s paid off. When he/she shares the good news with you, you do which of the following:

a) Hug and kiss your partner while discussing how happy he/she is and proud you are for half an hour. b) Call out, "That’s great, Honey," as you plop down on the couch to watch the big game. c) Point out the things your partner has neglected because of the project that now need to get done. d) Immediately launch into a tirade about your own big work project until your partner walks away upset. Now, if you are being honest, you’ll admit that your response will vary. We understand. You are human, after all. Your reaction may vary depending on the mood you’re in or the context of the conversation or how your relationship is doing that given minute of that given day. There always seem to be mitigating circumstances. But stop to consider if the situation was reversed and you were the one brimming with good news to share. What would you want your significant other to do? You’d invariably want response "a", right? Again, you’re human. Naturally, you’d want the partner who, despite the lousy day he/she was having or how tired he/she was, reacted enthusiastically when you shared your triumph. In the moment, you wouldn’t stop to consider the mitigating circumstances. You’d be hurt by her disinterest. So making the effort to put aside one’s own issues to share in a spouse’s accomplishment is vital. In fact, more and more experts are finding that this "good news reaction" by our partners could be one simple key to unlocking a marriage that stays strong, vibrant and healthy.

What the Research Says
Does recalling your partner’s reaction to your positive news affect how satisfied you are in the relationship? That was a question posed in a recent eHarmony Labs online study. The results matched previous research findings, which showed that how spouses respond to each others’ good news is directly correlated with how satisfied each is with the marriage. That probably isn’t too surprising. After all, most people feel happier when others celebrate their good news. It’s just human nature to want to feel supported and respected and understood. Even small changes in a partner’s behavior can affect the way you feel about your relationship. Take a close look at the chart below. 

So what does it all mean? Even just the memory of partners’ enthusiastic responses makes people feel better about their relationships. That’s pretty powerful. Just imagine what it would be like if you responded to your partner with genuine interest and enthusiasm each and every time he/she told you about a good event (and he/sheesponded to you in the same way). Imagine how much rapport and good will this would generate between the two of youImagine how these positive feelings and associations would accumulate over time, how you would be able to recall these positive moments to sustain you through difficult times in your marriage. Experts agree that being supportive in the moment can reap huge rewards in the dynamic between couples over the long term.

Caring When Your Partner Shares Has your significant other ever accused you of not listening? Ever been slapped with the three little words "You don’t care!" that threaten to kick off WWIII? Most of us would plead guilty. So how can you prove to your partner that you are enthusiastic and supportive in the moment? Remember, it’s not about big, sweeping gestures. Small changes can make all the difference. Keep these three little tips in mind and watch the dynamic in your relationship change almost instantly:

Be empathetic. Empathy can be defined as listening with your heart as well as your head. It means you are trying to truly understand what the other person is thinking, feeling and experiencing. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and see the positive event from that perspective. We assure you this is one of the greatest gifts one pon can give another. Every time you make the effort to empathize, you better understand your spouse’s meaning and strengthen your connection.

Provide feedback. Communication is a twoay street. One person talks, the other listens. The response or feedback your partner receives indicates whether the message was (or was not) received and was (or was not) understood. "Go on, I am listening." Or "I don’t understand what happened. Please repeat what you said." Providing this kind of simple statement and showing attentiveness with your eyes and body language convey that your partner is being understood — that you are genuinely interested in hearing the message being handed to you.

Be generous with supportive statements. We all like to feel good about ourselves. Period. When we give recognition to our significant others and we genuinely compliment their accomplishments, we reassure them of how important they are to us. We not only make them feel even better, we build a strong foundation of safety and rapport for future interactions. In fact, when we feel supported and are supportive, many of the other keys to good communication fall more naturally into place. Too often in relationships we focus on how we care for each other (or fail to) during tough moments. But it is equally important to put great effort into how ysupport each other during the high points. Think of it as making little deposits in an account that will pay big dividends over time.

6 Things You Can Do to Better All of Your Relationships

We have one job in this life and that is to be authentic in who we are. It is easy to get pulled away from our commitment to ourselves in the world of relationships as we experience the demands of other people’s thoughts and expectations of who they would like us to be. The greatest gift you give to yourself is to just be you.

6 Steps to Being Authentically You:

1. Know Who You Are: When we know who we are we can say no when we need to say no and yes when we need to say yes. We know what we like or dislike and are not insecure about it or other people’s judgments of us. We are able to coast along in life with a sense of well-being because we are solid internally. When we love ourselves we will not change who we are to gain love and approval.

2. Avoid Faking It: Being too nice makes us inauthentic. We do this because we do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings. So, we pretend to like people, events and circumstances we don’t like. A certain amount of this is socially acceptable and necessary. When it is a habit and there is an oppressive worry of what others think about us – this is unhealthy. We must be true to the truth of our experience and put that out into the world.

3. No Need to Audition: When we pretend to be someone we are not, we set ourselves up to be in an “audition” mode. We are always trying to be what we think others want us to be. We can sacrifice everything to give people what we think they want, when in reality, we have zero control over what people think. When we scale back and simply focus on the genuineness of who we are, there is no need to audition.

4. Observe: When going into a new situation, begin to assess it from “Is this going to be good for me?” and “Is this going to add to my life and make me feel good” rather than approaching it from “What do I need to change or do to be good enough for the situation?”

5. Be True to Yourself: It is one thing to know who you are but another thing to truly act upon it. Do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy and don’t waste one more minute of your time not feeling good enough for other people. When you can be in this place, you will be taken more seriously by others as well. When we are true to ourselves, others can sense it and life is much more enjoyable.

6. We Cannot Control What Others Think: What other people think of us actually has very little to do with us. What they think of us has to do with their own prejudices, fears, insecurities and projections. When we see it from this place it becomes clear that it is a waste of time to be going around pretending to have feelings we do not have in an effort to avoid abandonment and gain approval.

All you have to do in this life to make it happy and significant is to just be you. Be who you are. When you are out pretending, you are not being authentic. If you are not being authentic, people do not really know who they are dealing with and how to treat you according to what your true needs are. Take a moment and relax. There is no one to impress, nothing needs to be done. Your being worthy has nothing to do with other people.

Little life Message: We are most loved when we are being 100% ourselves.

Dr. Sherrie Campbell is the author of Loving Yourself and is a licensed Psychologist with more than nineteen years of clinical training and experience. She provides practical tools to help people overcome obstacles to self-love and truly achieve an empowered life. Click here to get her free article on Five Ways to Make Love the Common Ground in Your Communication. She is a featured expert on a variety of national websites and has a successful practice in Southern California. Receive free insights from Sherrie and to be involved in her Facebook community of others looking to improve their relationships.

Relationship Killers and How to Avoid Them

Don’t let your relationship fail. Learn about 5 relationship killers and begin to heal the underlying fears that cause these relationship killers.

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert control.

Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

RESISTANCE

Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled - the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

NEEDINESS

Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.

SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS

Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.

EYES ON PARTNER'S PLATE

Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.

RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS

All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.

The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship.

A good place to start is to download our free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of these steps will move you out of your addictive and controlling behavior and into the personal responsibility necessary to heal your relationship

How to Improve Your Relationship

Good relationships don’t just happen. I have discovered, in the 35 years that I have been counseling couples, 7 choices you can make that will not only improve your relationship, but can turn a failing relationship into a successful one.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF

This is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship. This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs. This means that instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself through your own thoughts and actions. This means learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self-judgment. Self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how wonderfully your partner is treating you.

For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for your feelings of abandonment when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, not turned on sexually, and so on, you would explore your own feelings of abandonment and discover how you might be abandoning yourself.

When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your upsets. Since blaming one’s partner for one’s own unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems, learning how to take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship.

KINDNESS, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE

Treat others the way you want to be treated. This is the essence of a truly spiritual life. We all yearn to be treated lovingly – with kindness, compassion, understanding, and acceptance. We need to treat ourselves this way, and we need to treat our partner and others this way. Relationships flourish when both people treat each other with kindness. While there are no guarantees, often treating another with kindness brings kindness in return. If your partner is consistently angry, judgmental, uncaring and unkind, then you need to focus on what would be loving to yourself rather than reverting to anger, blame, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. Kindness to others does not mean sacrificing yourself. Always remember that taking responsibility for yourself rather than blaming others is the most important thing you can do. If you are consistently kind to yourself and your partner, and your partner is consistently angry, blaming, withdrawn and unavailable, then you either have to accept a distant relationship, or you need to leave the relationship. You cannot make your partner change – you can only change yourself.

LEARNING INSTEAD OF CONTROLLING

When conflict occurs, you always have two choices regarding how to handle the conflict: you can open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose, through some form of controlling behavior. We have all learning many overt and subtle ways of trying to control others into behaving the way we want: anger, blame, judgment, niceness, compliance, care taking  resistance, withdrawal of love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying, denying, and so on. All the ways we try to control create even more conflict. Remembering to learn instead of control is a vital part of improving your relationship.

For example, most people have two major fears that become activated in relationships: the fear of abandonment – of losing the other - and the fear of engulfment – of losing oneself. When these fears get activated, most people immediately protect themselves against these fears with their controlling behavior. But if you chose to learn about your fears instead of attempt to control your partner, your fear would eventually heal. This is how we grow emotionally and spiritually – by learning instead of controlling.

CREATE DATE TIMES

When people first fall in love, they make time for each other. Then, especially after getting married, they get busy. Relationships need time to thrive. It is vitally important to set aside specific times to be together – to talk, play, make love. Intimacy cannot be maintained without time together.

GRATITUDE INSTEAD OF COMPLAINTS

Positive energy flows between two people when there is an “attitude of gratitude.” Constant complaints creates a heavy, negative energy, which is not fun to be around. Practice being grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don’t have. Complaints create stress, while gratitude creates inner peace, so gratitude creates not only emotional and relationship health, but physical health as well.

FUN AND PLAY

We all know that “work without play makes Jack a dull boy.” Work without play makes for dull relationships as well. Relationships flourish when people laugh together, play together, and when humor is a part of everyday life. Stop taking everything so seriously and learn to see the funny side of life. Intimacy flourishes when there is lightness of being, not when everything is heavy.

SERVICE

A wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do service projects together. Giving to others fills the heart and creates deep satisfaction in the soul. Doing service moves you out of yourself and your own problems and supports a broader, more spiritual view of life.

If you and your partner agree to these 7 choices, you will be amazed at the improvement in your relationship.

Connect with Partner

We all know that approaching woman isn't easy. It can be  embarrassing and downright difficult. But, if you know what you are doing and have faith in your own forces you can get the one you like.

Impressing a woman is not an easy task, especially if you don’t have a lot of experience with females. There are many components that go into impressing a woman. 

If you want to learn how to impress a girl, then you should do your best to be positive. Keep in mind that smiles and jokes are great bonding mechanisms that you can use to impress a girl. 

There is a charm and seductive attraction that some guys have, so they have all the girls they want. This  magnet is called charisma, and it is very important if you want to attract the woman of your life. But, if this is a problem for you, you must try some tricks to pick-up the woman you want.

For example, use your dog to pick-up girls. You have a dog? Now its your chance. Take a walk with your dog on the place where you know your special one passes by every day. Any girl likes dogs. Small ones are very cute and the big ones make you look hot.

So, if you are with your dog out and suddenly your girl pass over. Make sure that she sees you. If it happens that your dog had a bad behavior and starts barking at her you might apologize and tell her to not take it personally. So, you can discus with her. Show her that your dog know some tricks  and while your dog is sitting and rolling over you' re getting to know the girl.

Babies. Every woman love babies.  Your friend is married and has a baby? Join your friend when he goes out with the baby and show interest by playing with the kid when she passes by you. Next day you can offer to watch out the baby for your friend and take him to a walk to show her you like kids. But make sure she has saw you in the day before with your friend to not think that the baby is yours. If the baby is crying when she passes by you, you might be lucky and she might offer her help to make the baby stop crying. So, you get to talk with her and may ask her for a date.

Use some magic tricks to attract her. You are seeing her every day and you don't have the courage to talk to her. First of all, relax. One of the biggest turnoffs for women is a guy who’s uptight. Just relax and you’ll be fine. After you start talking with her use some magic tricks to impress her and attract her. You may say that you are good at magic and you are offering to guess her future by reading her hand. She'll definitely laugh but if she's OK with this you may tell her that she will have a glorious future.

Don't forget to make her laugh. Laughter is all you need to attract  women easily and quickly. If you are able to make her laugh any time and any places it will be easier to you to get the woman you are  looking after for some long time.

How to Know He or She is Really Interested in You

Someone has caught your eye and you would like to get to know them better, but you're not sure if they even know you exist, let alone if they would like to spend more time with you.  How can you get a feeling for their interest.  Here are 5 suggestions:

1.  Go somewhere with a group of mutual friends and pay attention to how the person you are interested in responds to what you do and say.  Do they stick by your side most of the evening?  Do they listen intently to everything you say?  Is there frequent eye contact between the two of you?  All of these could indicate a higher level of interest than just being "one of the gang." 

2.  If you are planning to go with a group of your friends to something such as a Museum or Zoo outing, ask the person you are interested in if they would like to come with the group, but not necessarily just as your date.  If they are eager to come and your interactions while out with this group are positive, it could indicate that there is a possibility that a more personal date with you might be welcome.

3.  If things seem to be going well in a group environment, and you feel positive about this person's feelings for you, ask him or her if they would be interested in going out to get something to eat after the group excursion is over.  Or maybe just a cup of coffee - something non-threatening.  If they accept, that's great!  If not, maybe their reason at the moment is justified.  Maybe they would be happy to have dinner with you another time.  You should be able to tell by their attitude.  In any event, it's a less threatening way to ask someone out after being together in a group environment than just a "cold call" kind of approach.

4.  Are the two of you college classmates, or peers at the same company?  Ask him or her for help with something you are doing.  Be sincere and make sure the person you are asking has the knowledge or experience to help you with your request.  You will be able to tell by their reaction if they are interested in helping you because they are interested in YOU, or just because they're a nice person and want to be helpful. 

5.  A non-threatening way to give someone a gift is to support a local fundraiser, either through your College or workplace.  This is especially nice around the romantic holidays, such as Valentine's Day.  You will show them that you thought of them and that you support the fundraising program, two points in your favor.

One thing to keep in mind is that anyone you might be attracted to, if they are worth your time, should be flattered if you let them know that you are "interested" in them.  So, don't be shy about expressing your interest.  If they are the type of person you think they are, they will let you know in a kind way whether they reciprocate your feelings or not.  

You can find your perfect partner at Free Online Dating & Relationship.

How to Overcome the Stress and Nerves with the First Date

The first date is very difficult for every one, because cannot image n that what should be the happened. Be prepared and turn this experience into a fun and relaxing event. In this article I will share with you ideas that will give you a litter more easy with dating and coping with the anxiety on the first date.

First, there are few questions we must address and bring out into the open. 

How much should we get to know the potential date before meeting.

What discussion or prefacing is required with your prospective date prior to the meeting.

How does this potential date feel about you, or does this person also share in this anxiety.

After the meeting is established where will you meet to insure safety, enjoyment and relaxation.

Lets start with first question this begs of the actual legitimacy of the potential date. In this person really genuine. What is this person background. These questions are not easy to answer, but we can start with the following. The method of communication is incredibly important. Phone communication although a little never racking, can break the ice and establish an initial understand of who this person is. Try to avoid creating a mental image of this person as this can really increase expectations and also give the other person an unfair disadvantage. The phone conversation can also shed light on this person's general character.

This leads to what discussions or prefacing is required. It is important to acknowledge that this place we live is very diverse and the person's character is one of the most important attributes of desirability. Be softly direct when inquiring about his or her background without invoking the feeling that you are drilling the person which is real "turn-off". I have used this idea many times which turn's out to be a really enjoyable exercise. Write down a few background questions to ask prior to calling the potential date and go from there. The conversation can take on with its own energy from there and it will be very easy to get a good feeling fro the person. That is to say, if the person is not forthright, it will most likely come through in the conversation.

In most cases, the other person will exhibit the same anxiety as you. Keep this in mind, as it will help your nerves a little. Being confident, honest, direct and respectful will help you and the date feel an increased level of comfort whether your on the phone, or on the first date.

On this first date, make sure that you select, or mutually agree to a place that will help the date flourished but keep the other person wanting more. Obviously, you should select a meeting place that is well lit and where there will be many eyes watching you for increased safety. However, the place that you will spend the most time should be softly lit so that most of the concentration can be focused on the content of the conversation and less on physical characteristics. More importantly, span the first date no more than that of a small snack. You can consider this a "weed-out" session. If there is chemistry during the date, her or she will leave waiting more. Conversely, if there is no chemistry, not much time was lost and not much money was spent.

Remember, these important ideas to engender ease and confidence during the initial contact through Free Online Dating Services. Choose a method of communication prior to the meeting that will help you determine the persons forthrightness. Understand that the other person is probably feeling the same level of anxiety to which you can offer the comfort. Finally, choose a place that demonstrates safety and allows for a short but memorable experience.